Like the Osbournes
by Carbuncle
Summary: How could I not do a parody of something as brilliant as The Osbournes? Cloud, Barrett, Tifa and Aeris agree to take part in a reality TV show from the comfort of their own home. Fans of The Osbournes should love this.


FINAL FANTASY VII  
  
Like the Osbournes  
  
(Open to the Sector 7 Slums. A reporter is talking towards the camera.)  
Reporter: Take one city. A city like no other. A city known as Midgar. What was once the busiest metropolis in the world, has now become nothing more than a torn down, dirty, disgusting, trash hole, ruining what we consider a good reputation of a good Planet. Hello, I'm Johnny Narwall. Tonight I'm bringing you this report LIVE from one of the worst areas of Midgar City - the Sector 7 Slums - to show you, just how run down and crappy life here really is. Business here has never been slower, the crime situation has never been higher. Murderers, thieves, rapists, this particular Slum is home to them all. (as he says this, in the background, someone is murdered, another person mugged, and another unfortunate woman, with torn clothes, gets pulled into a dark alley by a gruff looking scumbag) This place really is hell on earth, believe me.  
Drug Dealer: (walks oncamera) Psst! You wanna buy some ecstasy tablets?  
Reporter: No, I most certainly do not! How dare you! (quietly and quickly) Meet me behind the hotel in about fifteen minutes! (the drug dealer walks off) Hell on earth, hell on earth... (walks to his left, to reveal 7th Heaven in the background) I'm going to take you now inside the local tavern, to talk with some of the residents of this awful, awful town. Bear with me here, folks, and remember, this broadcast is being brought to you LIVE - that's LIVE - meaning that anything CAN and probably WILL happen. (to the cameraman) Stay close, Roger. (walks up the porch steps of 7th Heaven)  
  
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar. Cloud is sitting down at the bar. Tifa is serving him a beer. Barrett is playing pinball. Cid is sitting down on the table, playing cards with Vincent and Red XIII. Marlene is playing with a fluffy chocobo doll on the floor. The reporter pops up in front of the camera.)  
Reporter: You're now looking at how the majority of the townspeople here in the Sector 7 Slums spend their time. Drinking, gambling and abusing small animals. This just goes to show how deeply disturbed the people living here in the Slums are. Let's talk to some of them now. (aside to his cameraman) Watch my back, Roger! They may be armed and dangerous! (to Cid) Excuse me, sir. May I have a brief word?  
Cid: Huh? No! I'm playin' poker, dammit! Go bug someone else!  
Reporter: (to Vincent) Sir? Could I have a moment of your time, please?  
Cid: Leave him alone! He's playing this game, too!  
Reporter: Well, I can hardly talk to the dog... (Red XIII looks up, frowning) Ah... (walks over to Barrett) Hello there, sir. I'm a reporter for a local current affairs programme. I'd like to talk to you about the living conditions here in the Slums. How long have you been living here in Midgar?  
Barrett: (hits the pinball machine with his fist) Ah, dammit! I messed up! (to the reporter) Look whatcha made me do, dumbass!  
Reporter: Sir, I just want a brief word, that's all. I'm doing a report on the Slums, and-  
Barrett: You can jus' do your reportin' someplace else, jackass! We don't appreciate your types here, so jus' #@$% off!  
Reporter: Please, sir, this show is going out live on air at eight o'clock in the night! You... You can't say that word on TV this early in the evening! Children may be watching!  
Barrett: Well, boo-#@$%^&*-hoo!  
Reporter: Eugh! (quietly to himself) I am so gonna get fired for this!  
Tifa: (walks over) What's all the noise over here?  
Barrett: Nothin' I can't handle, Tifa. I was jus' showin' this guy the door.  
Reporter: (nervously) No, no, that's quite all right, sir. I'll... I'll find my own way out.  
Barrett: Yeah, well, jus' make sure you do! (goes back to playing pinball)  
Tifa: Ugh, don't mind him. He's always cranky when he's losing at pinball. Can I get you a drink or anything?  
Reporter: A drink? I could certainly do with one... (pause) But, ah, that isn't possible. I'm working.  
Tifa: Working?  
Reporter: I'm Johnny Narwall, from that current affairs programme. My crew and I are doing a special live report on the lives of people living in the Slums. Would you like to give us a few words for the camera about what life is like here in Midgar?  
Tifa: Uh...  
Cloud: (walks over) Oh, man! I thought it was you! You're that reporter guy from that TV show, right?! (Tifa walks off back behind the bar)  
Reporter: Yes, I'm Johnny Narwall. Sir, how would you like to chat with us about living conditions in the Sector 7 Slums? I'll give you a free tic-tac.  
Cloud: You got it! Whaddya wanna know, Johnny?  
Reporter: Well, let's start off by hearing a bit about you. What do you do, career wise?  
Cloud: Oh, I'm unemployed.  
Reporter: Unemployed?  
Cloud: Well, actually, I work for a terrorist group called AVALANCHE. But work's been kinda (makes some weird noises with his mouth) lately, so I've basically been sitting around on my ass, drinking beer and watching TV. That's how I'm so familiar with you and your show. I... I watch every week.  
Reporter: A terrorist group?? Good God! (to the camera) Well, there you have it, folks. Straight from the chocobo's mouth. Solid proof that people here in the Slums are nothing but evil, warped, sick sons of a bitches.  
Barrett: (walks up to him) What'd ya call us, man?  
Reporter: Nothing!  
Cloud: (laughs) Oh, Johnny! You're so forgetful! (to Barrett) He called us evil, warped, sick sons of a bitches.  
Reporter: No, no! That's not true! I-  
Barrett: Shuddap! (cocks his gun-arm) Eat lead, reporter scum!  
Reporter: Holy shit! (he ducks as Barrett starts shooting all around the bar, before finally shooting out the camera, causing everything to go black)  
  
(Cut to the Shin-Ra HQ, the 33rd floor, the television studio. Reporter Johnny Narwall is standing in front of a TV executive. A TV is on in front of them. It shows Barrett shooting around the bar, before finally shooting out the camera. The TV executive turns off the TV with the remote. The reporter laughs, nervously.)  
Reporter: Yeah, well, apart from the black guy shooting out our cameras and brutally killing most of our cameramen, I think the report went rather... well.  
Executive: I should fire your ass on the spot, Narwall-  
Reporter: Agh!  
Executive: -but, I'm not going to.  
Reporter: What? Why? I mean, thank you, sir! Thank you!  
Executive: Do you know how big the ratings were for that report last night? Do you know how many people tuned in?  
Reporter: Uh, seven?  
Executive: Try doubling that number, dividing it by five, and tripling it.  
Reporter: 8.4 million people?!  
Executive: ...I have big plans for those Slum sucking Sector 7 freaks, Narwall. Plans that will change the future of Midgarian television forever.  
Reporter: But... just to clear things up: I still have a job, right?  
  
(Cut to the Sector 7 Slums, 7th Heaven, the bar. The TV executive is sitting at the table with Cloud, Tifa and Barrett.)  
Barrett: What?! You mind runnin' through that with us again one more time?  
Executive: I'm offering you people six million Gil a month, for doing absolutely nothing.  
Cloud: No way! There's gotta be a catch!  
Executive: There's no catch. We just set up a load of cameras here around the bar, in every room except the lady's bedroom (focus on Tifa) and the bathroom, film your everyday lives, and broadcast it live and unedited on TV for the viewing public to see. You win, we win, Midgar wins.  
Tifa: I don't know...  
Cloud: Tifa, Tifa, didn't you hear the man? Money for nothing!  
Executive: Well, obviously you'll have to do something, I mean, people won't want to watch you sitting on your asses doing nothing all day, but, yeah, just be yourselves.  
Tifa: That could be a problem, since that's basically all Cloud does all day, anyway...  
Cloud: I can get better!  
Executive: So, do we have a deal...?  
Barrett: Yeah!  
Cloud: Sure thing!  
Executive: Ma'am...?  
Tifa: Um... (Cloud and Barrett smile sweetly) ...oh, all right.  
Cloud & Barrett: Yes! (high five)  
  
(Cut to a TV screen. A picture of Cloud, Barrett, Tifa and Aeris, sitting on the couch of the 7th Heaven basement, is on screen.)  
Announcer: "Life at 7th Heaven" is sponsored by Chocoballs!  
  
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar. Everything from this point forward is being filmed from various angles in the bar. Tifa is cleaning the bar.)  
Barrett: (from downstairs) Tifa!! Tifa!!  
Tifa: (stops cleaning) What?  
Barrett: (from downstairs) Get down here now!  
  
(Cut to the basement. Barrett is standing by the rug. Tifa comes down the lift.)  
Tifa: What's wrong, Barrett?  
Barrett: That #@$%^&* Red XIII's pissed all over the rug! Look at that!  
Tifa: Oh, no...  
Barrett: #@$%^&* dog! We're gonna have to get rid of 'im!  
Tifa: No, we can't do that. He's our friend.  
Barrett: Well, this can't go on! Look at the state of that!  
Tifa: We could send him to a psychiatrist. I know a good one that's relatively cheap.  
Barrett: We don't need to send him to a psychiatrist, Tifa! You just need to open the #@$%^&* door!  
Tifa: ...  
Barrett: Look, you get up at seven o'clock, and open the #@$%^&* door!  
  
(Cut to the basement, later. Red XIII walks in, lifts his leg and takes a leak over one of the plants in the corner. He then starts to tear up the couch with his teeth.)  
  
(Cut to Barrett, being interviewed at a table in the bar.)  
Barrett: Animals are just like kids. They need constant attention.  
  
(Cut to Cloud's bedroom. Cloud is sorting out some of his stuff.)  
Cloud: I've, uh, I've been having a bit of a spring clean here. Um, I know it's not... not exactly spring yet, but, uh, you know, I haven't got enough room in here for all my things, so... it's, uh, it's best to, you know, it's best to get rid of some of it.  
  
(Cut to the basement. Barrett is sitting on the couch, trying to operate the TV.)  
Barrett: Yeah, uh, we bought a new TV just yesterday and... and it's not the easiest thing in the world to operate. (presses some buttons on the remote) How the #@$%^&* hell do you do this? Cloud!! Cloud!! Get down here now!  
Cloud: (from upstairs) What?  
Barrett: Come and help me with this #@$%^&* TV!  
Cloud: (walks in) What's the problem?  
Barrett: It's this #@$%^&* thing! I can't... I can't get it to work!  
Cloud: Well let me see. (takes the remote off him) Right, um, let's give this a shot... (presses some buttons on the remote)  
TV: ...and now the weather!  
Barrett: I don't want the #@$%^&* weather channel! I want the #@$%^&* porno channel!  
Cloud: Hang on, hang on. It isn't easy trying to work this #@$%^&* thing.  
Barrett: #@$%^&* technology!  
  
(Cut to the bar. Tifa is cleaning the bar. Aeris walks in from downstairs.)  
Aeris: I'm going out, Tifa!  
Tifa: What? Where?  
Aeris: Just to some club with a few friends.  
Tifa: What friends?  
Aeris: Just some people from work.  
Tifa: But you don't work with anybody. You work alone.  
Aeris: Look, what is this, Tifa? The third degree? I just want to go out and have some fun, all right?  
Tifa: All right, all right, go.  
Aeris: Right, I'll see you later. (leaves)  
  
(Cut to Tifa, being interviewed at a table in the bar.)  
Tifa: Aeris likes to be her own person. She doesn't really like people telling her what to do. Sometimes... Sometimes she's out, like, all night. You know, God only knows what she gets up to, but, you know, we... we don't ask too many questions. She likes her privacy.  
  
(Cut to a TV screen. A picture of Cloud, Barrett, Tifa and Aeris is on screen.)  
Announcer: "Life at 7th Heaven" is sponsored by Chocoballs!  
  
(Cut to the Shin-Ra HQ, the 33rd floor, the television studio.)  
Executive: (reading from the Midgar Times) My God! This new reality show is fantastic! It's the biggest thing since "Amazing Aeris!" I've got a real winner here!  
Chairman of Television: Ah, Mr. Chong, I believe!  
Executive: Good lord! The chairman of television! I thought you were just a legend!  
Chairman of Television: What, Chong?!  
Executive: Nothing, sir. Uh, what's the good word?  
Chairman of Television: I've come to talk to you about that reality show, "Life at 7th Heaven".  
Executive: Come to congratulate me on such a brilliant conception, eh?  
Chairman of Television: It is a great show, there's no doubt about that. It's just... I'm worried about its decline in popularity.  
Executive: Sir, there's... there's no chance of a decline in popularity. People love this show. It's topped the ratings, it's making us millions of dollars alone with the merchandising (holds up a Tifa Lockheart keychain), and have you checked the Internet lately?  
Chairman of Television: The Internet?  
Executive: Sure, I mean, the amount of websites there are out there for this show astound me! Look at this one: www.lifeat7thheavenrules.com!  
Chairman of Television: I hate to be frank here, Chong, but eventually people are going to get tired of this show. That's why I think we should come up with some kind of... story that'll rock the world and get people talking.  
Executive: I... don't understand, sir.  
Chairman of Television: It's simple, Chong. I want you to... kill off one of the characters.  
Executive: Wha--What?!  
Chairman of Television: You heard me.  
Executive: Sir, I... I can't do that. I can't kill off one of our stars. That's barbaric.  
Chairman of Television: Well, all right, maybe that is a bit extreme. (thinks for a second) How about this then: Give one of the characters a life-threatening disease?  
Executive: Sir, that's... that's just crude. (pause) What kind of disease?  
Chairman of Television: Cancer.  
Executive: Cancer, right. Not to insult your almighty intelligence here, sir, but... you do realise that "Life at 7th Heaven" is a live, unscripted show, don't you?  
Chairman of Television: Yes.  
Executive: Right, 'cause, uh, if we gave one of the characters cancer then that would mean we were writing for the show, which... is something we do not do.  
Chairman of Television: Chong, I'm the boss around here, and I know what I'm doing. In the new series, I want you to give... oh, I don't know, Tifa cancer.  
Executive: Sir, please... that's just... that's not right, surely. And besides, research shows Tifa is one of our most popular characters.  
Chairman of Television: All right, then who's the least popular?  
Executive: Hmm, well, it's not Barrett, 'cause he's the star of the show, and everyone loves the star of the show.  
Chairman of Television: All right, all right, then how about this guy? (points at a picture in the cast book on the desk)  
Executive: No, no, no. That's Cloud. He's the lovable idiot. Everyone loves the lovable idiot.  
Chairman of Television: Fine! Her then!  
Executive: ...her?  
Chairman of Television: What's wrong with her?  
Executive: Well, nothing really.  
Chairman of Television: Right, then in the next season I want her to have cancer.  
Executive: I...  
Chairman of Television: No excuses, Chong. I want it done or else.  
Executive: (sighs) ...as you wish, sir. You're the boss.  
  
(Cut to a TV screen. A picture of Cloud, Barrett, Tifa and Aeris is on screen.)  
Announcer: "Life at 7th Heaven" is sponsored by Chocoballs!  
  
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the guest room. Aeris is laying in bed, surrounded by all types of hospital equipment. Cloud, Barrett and Tifa are standing around her bed. A nurse is busy in the background, checking the machines.)  
Aeris: I'm feeling very weak right now, everyone...  
Barrett: Don't talk like that, Aeris. You're gonna be fine. Isn't she, guys?  
Cloud: No, I read the script. (panicks) Ah! I mean, uh, of course! Yes!  
Tifa: The doctors and nurses are going to cure you, Aeris. Don't worry.  
Barrett: Yeah, jus' chill, man...  
Aeris: Thank you all... for your love and support... but... (rolls her eyes back, sticks her tongue out and dies)  
Cloud: Oh my God! Cancer killed Aeris!  
Barrett: Oh, #@$%!  
Director: ...and cut! (Aeris sits up)  
  
(Cut to the Shin-Ra HQ, the 33rd floor, the television studio.)  
Chairman of Television: (runs in waving the newspaper) Chong! Your stupid little reality thing made the front page!  
Executive: It did?! Is this about last night's episode - The Death of Aeris?  
Chairman of Television: Yes! And thanks to that bright idea, the show's finished!  
Executive: Finished...?!  
Chairman of Television: People saw right through it! They knew it was fixed!  
Executive: But... we were so careful. We had such great writers. How did they figure out it was all a sham?  
Chairman of Television: It all came tumbling down when that stupid lovable idiot, as you put it, said that ridiculous catchphrase!  
Executive: You mean the "Oh my God! Cancer killed Aeris!" thing?  
Chairman of Television: Yes! For God's sake, Chong, if someone in real life had just died of cancer, do you honestly think anyone would say something so ridiculous as that?!  
Executive: No... No, sir.  
Chairman of Television: Thanks to that little screw up, the show's been exposed as a fraud. It's over. We going to have to halt production.  
Executive: Oh, no... Our biggest hit in years and now it's gone, just like that?  
Chairman of Television: You only have yourself to blame, Chong!  
Executive: But you were the one who wanted to give Aeris cancer in the first place!  
Chairman of Television: Chong, if I told you to jump off a cliff, would you do that, too?  
  
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THE END__________  
  
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End file.
